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Post by Martin Brofman on Feb 26, 2009 21:41:16 GMT 1
Look at what you were insecure about at that time.
What do you know about what is generally happening in a girl's life at age 12?
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Post by spiritgirl on Feb 27, 2009 15:50:08 GMT 1
HI Martin,
You said: "What do you know about what is generally happening in a girl's life at age 12?"
Puberty - Menstruation, biological changes, also awareness of self as female.
I did not even know what a period was until the day that I came home from school and noticed that I was bleeding! I was surprised and unsure what was going on. Nobody had told me anything prior to this. After this my aunt took me for a walk and explained about the birds and the bees.
Look at what you were insecure about at that time.
I don't remember exactly what I was insecure about but I do remember that I stopped asking the adults around me for what I wanted and even what I needed. Once I bled into my underwear rather than asking my aunt for sanitary pads! I also felt "not" close to my relatives at this time and did not share my thoughts and feelings with them. I also became fearful of my aunt. Oh - and I was living separately from my parents (with my grandparents, aunts and uncle) at that time.
Definitely something changed. Even when I realized I could not see as well as before I did not tell anybody. I did not communicate my innerfelt thoughts and feelings to anyone. When i was reunited with my parents (after 3 years of being separated) I did not communicate openly with them either. A teacher noticed I could not see the blackboard well and alerted my parents and I got glasses.
Maybe I was insecure about communicating my innerfelt thoughts and feelings- maybe I thought the adults were not interested in me or that they would deny me or tell me to shut up or get angry with me. They were not my parents after all.
I am seeing now that even tho' my parents and relatives talked to me, they did not really communicate with me as a person and I talked to them but did not really communicate with them either. Its only recently that I asked my parents why they sent me away for 3 years and I felt their original explanation was not good enough for me!
SG
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Post by Martin Brofman on Feb 27, 2009 16:28:29 GMT 1
Sounds like you were really sensitive and embarrassed about functioning as a woman. It would fit the profile.
I wonder if there was also sensitivity at that time about your sexuality. Sounds like the whole process you were going through left you feeling isolated and having to hide inside.
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Post by spiritgirl on Feb 27, 2009 17:18:32 GMT 1
HI Martin
Could you please elaborate on exactly what you mean by sexuality? I am unsure of the meaning here.
I never thought this could be related to my myopia but its possible. I also developed excess hair (hirsutism) and the effect of this was (is) that I try to fully cover up my body!
I was recently thinking how I would feel or be if I was in a male body and how I would be seen/perceived by others. And I felt a strong sense of freedom and also felt other people's expectations of me would be lower or less if I was a male. I felt I could be more "rough' or "boorish" in my personality and I would not be judged so harshly. That I did not have to be there for other people emotionally - they would not expect it of me if I was a guy. That I could make mistakes and people would just laugh it off instead of getting angry and critical of me.
So comparing me in a female or male body - I definitely feel that I would be less judged and criticized as a male than a female. Also people would have less expectations of me as a male. I recently had one woman tell me that she cooks for her husband every single day and she was shocked and disapproving of me when I told her that i don't cook a huge "proper" meal for my husband every day! And more shocked when I told her I just make an omelette for dinner for him sometimes ;D
SG
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Post by mario on Feb 27, 2009 22:12:20 GMT 1
Martin, today was eye opening day for me. Boss attacked my mother at work verbally and also my friend's father attacked her verbally and it was frightening to me and I could clearly see that I push that away from me because I get angry and I immediately put myself in their position and try to solve their problems like they are mine. Of course I try to control people and environment when I am afraid and feel that it is me in that situation. I only see way out if I could somehow solve their problems but I can't and then I shut myself from threatening world. I couldn't even look my mother in her eyes - I pretend that I was not there. I can see now why other people sometimes see me as cold. It was great to see clearly in my mind for a moment. It felt very good. I hope such moments will come to me more often from now on...
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Post by Martin Brofman on Feb 28, 2009 7:43:05 GMT 1
SG - Sexuality is about sex. How do you feel about sex? Any tensions in your consciousness there?
...and it seems there are many sensitivities you have been dealing with in terms of being in a female body.
Mario - instead of solving the problems of others, solve your own. What do you think you could have done differently in response to seeing your mother verbally attacked? What about talking to your mother about this?
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Post by mario on Feb 28, 2009 19:32:57 GMT 1
If I could feel more courage in that situation I would see her with compassion and not with eyes of threatening world. Instead, I only felt fear and anger because she did not stood for herself (or I am talking about myself actually). When I tell her that she need to stand up for herself then she said that she can't do that and I feel even more powerless. I don't know what else could I talk with her about that situation.
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Post by Martin Brofman on Feb 28, 2009 21:58:07 GMT 1
I understand.
Seems like there are several posts lately that have to do with looking in the Magic Mirror - giving advice to ohers that would be good for the person to follow themselves.
Reminds me of some words from a song by the Moody Blues, in their Album, "A Question of Balance:"
Pass the mirror on the wall. Who's the greatest fool of all? Don't you feel small? It happens to us all.
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