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Post by sojourner on Mar 26, 2012 2:11:22 GMT 1
Hi,
Background: I am female - quite nearsighted. Recently I have been overusing the computer and doing some "eye stretches" to counteract that. Perhaps I overdid it. I used to practice regularly and my eyes felt pretty rigid.
I also picked up my ipod by the ear clip chord and the ipod smacked into my right eye. It was strong enough for me to get out of bed and check it, but not so strong I noticed anything at the time. No pain, swelling. One last thing, while brushing my teeth, some baking soda toothplaste spattered into my eye - which I rinsed out.
Okay, so much for possible physical causes. I cannot remember if it was the next morning or the one after, but when I woke up I noticed a circular spot to the lower left of center in my right eye. It is not totally black, but can vary in color. It is mostly noticeable when I blink. It flashes a bit and then seems to fade. It can be light yellow, blue, or even pink/white depending on background. I don't notice it during the day unless i look for it.
If I blink rapidly and constantly in an area with an all white background - like bathroom tile - it stays fairly stationary, but I cannot look at it directly. It does not "float around" all over my field of vision like a floater. I have very few floaters generally. It seems to disappear when my eyes are open for a time. If I blink gently it disappears more quickly.
I have read similar stories online and have gotten everything from "doctor couldn't find anything wrong with retina and it dissipated on its own", to PVD diagnosis, to fluid buildup, etc. Of course, everyone is scared of a retinal tear. It seems to have lessened since I noticed it. I will probably have to have someone look at it, but, ironically, I feel more anxiety around eye doctors than some people do around dentists!
Emotionally - I am a constricted personality as one might expect with myopia though I am doing my best to deal with it. I have been making small progress lately, but not in the most important area. However, I felt like my instances of smaller progress were leading up to larger progress, so I felt generally good about myself for working through it, though the anxiety itself did not dissipate.
I cannot think of anything that changed in the days weeks leading up to my noticing this except my anxiety (and therefore computer use) increasing. I stopped having my weekly or biweekly wine about 6 weeks back primarily for reasons of weight. As far as I know, I wasn't an alcoholic, but it does mean that now when anxiety-provoking situations occur, as they will, I feel it more keenly. I sometimes stayed up late at night on the computer instead of sleeping for this reason. Sometimes I take a Motrin to relax and sleep. I have generalized anxiety anyway. I am not on any medications.
So, suggestions on how to go about treating this? What specific steps would I take to reduce anxiety or treat the emotional cause assuming I find it?
thanks
chris
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Post by Martin Brofman on Mar 26, 2012 9:38:56 GMT 1
If it is in your right eye and you are right-handed, you could look at what was happening in your life at the time this symptom appeared. Tensions with a male, for example?
...or keeping yourself from seeing what you really want?
I would also wonder what you were doing on the computer and how you felt about that.
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Post by sojourner on Mar 27, 2012 8:07:06 GMT 1
Hi Martin,
Hmmm.
Two main recent tensions that I can think of: one having to do with a male who was adopting a very bullying tone and threatening a lawsuit with absurdly amped up legal fees that would quadruple the amount of money in dispute. I thought he owed me the money not the other way around. Small claims court would have sufficed, but he got vengeful and was using strong arm tactics to force a settlement basically out of cloaked desperation - and I considered it blackmail.
The other issue has to do with a relative getting a promotion and knowing that this would mean my mother would feel more disappointed in me - pressure to achieve so that she would have something to brag about etc.
Computer use was either legal research (3 straight nights) or escapism from the feeling of utter loneliness that the latter issue brought on...either looking for answers online 'til the wee hours or just filling my brain with anything else to settle down.
I didn't feel good about it as it was a coping mechanism I was trying to quit, sort of a New Year's Resolution, but at the same time, it's not the worst coping mechanism in the world either. Other coping mechanisms are worse for you, but more fun too. ;-)
I did my best to both stand my ground and forgive the bully, but it was very, very turbulent going. The second issue is still with me - my constant companion, really. IOW, it's not new to just these past weeks.
So...assuming these are related, does one just push their way forward past resistance/avoidance? Or is there another approach?
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Post by sojourner on Mar 31, 2012 1:05:41 GMT 1
Okay, update for anyone who might be reading and helped by this.
I went to the doctor today who did a retina scan and computerized visual field test. Visual field fine, cornea fine, glaucoma fine, Myopic but we knew that.
In the area I indicated on a graph, which was lower left quadrant toward center of the right eye, I had a blood spot. Not too big, but a blood spot on the retina. That's all he saw and since it was in the same area, it is probably that.
He said it could be from the ipod (minor trauma) but I should get checked with my primary for diabetes and hypertension. He said it should resolve and to come back in three weeks. No retinal tears or sign of PVD - he checked twice for "cells" but nothing at this point.
A few further observations about the spot ... it would change color according to background, sort of a cross between an afterimage and a spot. It is especially active when I blink, but any big light change especially from dark to light will do it. If I am looking at computer it will flash clear white, but if I am looking at a white horizontal slated shade under low morning light conditions it will appear dark, if i move my focus down to a blue blanket it would then be pink.
So as far as I know i don't have diabetes, but I could get checked, I suppose. My blood pressure tests normal to lower, but it's a funny thing, I am partially Irish and have the blood rushing FAST to my head dynamic happening when I'm angry or anxious. It's like 0 to 80mph in 5 seconds. I can feel it pounding. My body is fine. I don't get chest pains like some people do when they are upset. I do a lot of regular cardio, so it probably equalizes. (Can you have hypertension just in your head? ;-) )
I had a dream the night before of a small black kitten who had a cut by it's throat and was bleeding. Kitten could talk and told me he wasn't sure how he got it. End of dream I was rushing him to the vet.
Then I woke up adn went to the ophthalmologist.
Martin, if you are reading, do you have any thoughts on the blood rushing to head, blood vessel issue? Thanks.
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Post by Martin Brofman on Apr 6, 2012 16:55:35 GMT 1
Time on the computer just kept you focused on the situation with the bully.
Blood in the eye kind of talks about anger, doesn't it?
You focusing on doing your best to forgive the bully didn't work for you - so how about first letting yourself feel the anger - he might just deserve it - and THEN forgiving him?
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Post by sojourner on Apr 10, 2012 6:56:18 GMT 1
Yes, I could do that. I think he's out of my life now, but I'm certainly willing. I will have a checkup soon on the spot issue.
I've been reading through the boards and have a question on myopia and crown chakra issue. You and many other natural vision therapists recommend going without glasses whenever possible.
So here's the deal: one of my major issues is a sense of isolation and my uncorrected myopia feeds into that. I usually either go without glasses or under corrected glasses and I've often been aware of being happy that I couldn't make eye contact.
In fact the first time I stopped wearing my contacts in high school was when I had gained some weight due to boyfriend tension, and just couldn't deal with the "tight" feeling of both the contact being in and also forcing my vision clear.
For my college years, every time I was fit and "ready for action" as it were, I'd start wearing my contacts. Otherwise, I'd wear my glasses when it suited me and be in a blur the rest of the time.
About 25, contacts became harder to wear and I stopped completely. This was around the time I first started trying to improve my vision naturally. Some people freak out when they take their glasses off, for me it was very easy for me to slip into a fuzzy world - maybe too easy.
So, that was a long time ago. I no longer want to be in the fuzzy world. In the long run it's much harder. It makes everything much more difficult to accomplish and frustrating, and there are higher complications/risks involved, but yet I'd still like to give natural improvement a shot and yet achieve more connection, less isolation.
Any suggestions in balancing the two?
Thanks.
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Post by Martin Brofman on Apr 10, 2012 14:44:37 GMT 1
> I usually either go without glasses or under corrected glasses and I've often been aware of being happy that I couldn't make eye contact. Tells a story of fear of being judged as the reason for hiding something inside. > I had gained some weight due to boyfriend tension Tells a story of sensitivities in the areas of relationships and/or sexuality. Look at what was happening in your life when the vision first became unclear, and you will see what it was that you felt sensitive about being visible. That needs to be resolved. Read my article on vision as a metaphor at www.healer.ch/visionarticle
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Post by sojourner on Apr 13, 2012 23:33:54 GMT 1
Okay, back to the flash issue.
Update for anyone who might have a similar issue: went to retinal specialist while on prescheduled trip to another city who concurred with diagnosis, and said, "but what we want to know is *why* it hemorrhaged." (Yes, yes, we do, physically and mentally.)
I was injected with dye and pictures taken that can point to some causes and rule out others. It looks like it had been a small occlusion that caused the hemorrhage. The area was small and is no longer occluded, happily, and does not need further treatment. It looks to be resolving, though I may or may not always see something there, and unless something changes for the worse I would go back in 6 months (to retina specialist).
I should get blood pressure, diabetes, as well as liver function tests from primary to rule various things out.
In a naturopath kind of way, which the eye specialist most definitely was NOT, vitamin K supplements should not be "abused". It coincidentally does happen that I was taking Sea Buckthorne for 3 months before this happened, which does have vitamin K as well as C and Omegas. Both eye docs said to stay off supplements w/o doctor's rec.
My left side tested completely normal.
On the psychological/healer side, the anger issue (maybe causing spikes in blood pressure?) makes sense to me. Also the computer overuse to combat the feeling of "loneliness" that I mentioned earlier. It wasn't the causal issue, per say, but the *feeling* becasue this experience really did exacerbate that feeling for me.
I didn't know where to turn, couldn't get someone to drive me back from a dilated exam though several were asked, but all were too busy, and so ended up in the pouring rain, in a city I didn't know, with dark glasses on because even low light was still too much, waiting for public transportation.
My family did all call once they realized I really was going to do it. :-)
It was really quite comical. Now I know it wasn't a desperate cry for attention, as sometimes 'getting sick' is, because I knew very well I wouldn't get it. Other than bringing home the need for a positive change in this area, I'm not exactly sure what it points to, but in a way I am happy I handled it as best I could w/o really forcing anyone to do anything against their will. I can't really explain it - just a kind of clarity about how things stand, so I can make decisions from that point. Also it may have helped one person in particular see *me* more clearly.
Another issue is that I am quite skittish about eye docs in general. This was serious enough to force me into the office which should make the day when I have to get my eyes tested for driver's license renewal next year a little easier. I definitely appreciate my vision and my eyes more, myopic or not.
I really do want clear vision now, I need it to keep up with the current pace of things. I'd like to get it naturally, and will indeed relook at what Martin mentioned (Thanks BTW, and I do have your book), but I'll get it the old school way if I must, because this has got to change. ;-)
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Post by Martin Brofman on Apr 16, 2012 7:40:03 GMT 1
Check crown chakra issues also (father, authority), because your post also points to issues of separation / isolation.
If that makes sense to you, see how it feels to let in your father's love.
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Post by sojourner on Apr 16, 2012 20:00:54 GMT 1
Hi again,
Yes, it makes sense. When my father was alive, he was a bully, isolated from the family, drinking heavily towards the end, ridden with Catholic guilt, and given to blearily saying things like "I love you (family) because God tells me I *have to*, but I don't really like you."
When I was 12 and alone in the house with him, I could hear he was upset (and drunk). I went down to check on him and he pointed a gun at me and told me he could kill me if he wanted. I was stuck alone in the house with him in that state of mind for an entire weekend.
And yes, that is when my vision started going myopic. My mother, brother, sister all had 20/20 or better vision. I kind of disappeared into music at that point. It was *creative*, but still very much a world inside my head. Academically, school was an escape from home and I did well, but I began to drop out of the social aspect of it then as well. In high school I could only date, for example, kids from *other schools* who didn't see me every day because I no longer felt like interacting every single day. I stopped going to school every day as well, but stayed straight A. Since then, it's always been a challenge to stay interactive in the mainstream "normal" world as it were.
So, I've thought about how I can "let the love in" and all I can come up with is that he didn't leave. I would have in that situation. Of course, he could have had his own reasons for that as well as Catholic guilt. When my mother finally divorced him when we were older, he did try and see that we (adult kids) had inheritance rights to the house and that she didn't hand it over to her new husband-to-be.
I recently acquired a very old file of an older sister who had to be put in a care home due to seizures and had died before I was born. The file showed my then 20-something father bought clothes, wrote letters, and supervised fairly closely her condition and what the doctors and attendants were doing. This was a complete surprise to me. I never would have expected it. Perhaps he shut down after this experience.
The best I can do with "letting father's love in" is imagine the *possibility* that it *might* have existed at some point. It still feels very much like an act of imagination though rather than anything based in the reality I actually experienced.
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Post by Martin Brofman on Apr 18, 2012 14:17:40 GMT 1
> he did try and see that we (adult kids) had inheritance rights to the house and that she didn't hand it over to her new husband-to-be.
Well, that can be seen as an expression of love. Sounds like the love was thee, even behind his anti-social behavior. Sounds like he had his own crown chakra issues and was stuck in his own isolated world.
Sounds like the experience you described with your sister was what had shut him down - so you can imagine how much he must have loved her and what he felt so guilty about.
> The best I can do with "letting father's love in" is imagine the *possibility* that it *might* have existed at some point. It still feels very much like an act of imagination though rather than anything based in the reality I actually experienced.
Understandable, of course - the interesting hypothetical question is, "IF he loved you, would you like to be able to let it in?"
Whether you do let it in or not is, of course, another question.
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Post by sojourner on Apr 22, 2012 19:33:06 GMT 1
If he loved me would I like to be able to let it in? Hmmm. For a long time the answer was probably "No". I was physically and emotionally repulsed by him and I would have seen it as a betrayal of both principle and my mother. Teen years were basically spent in a constant round of awkward moments of dutiful "forgiveness" of whatever the latest thing was and then the inevitable reoffending. Finally, we (rest of family) just cut the relationship off and everyone's lives improved.
Now I'd be willing to switch it to "yes", probably 30% out of a curiosity and desire to see what would happen, 30% out of rational self-interest, and the last 30% because I've been beaten down to the point of accepting whatever will work.
Clarity, as I understand it through the concepts in your book, is supposed to be about doing what you want to do and trusting it will be okay, and not doing what you don't want to do. And yet it's kind of a Catch-22. If you answer honestly "No, I don't particularly want to let Father's love in" then are you consigning yourself to isolation and crown chakra issues? If you say "I give up. Fine. Whatever works." then you are not doing what you really, deep down, want to do? It still feels a bit like existential blackmail, if you see what I mean.
What I'd really like to do is forget he ever existed and go on and have a happy life free to pursue creative, love, beauty and free from isolation, vision, or crown chakra issues. :-)
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Post by Martin Brofman on Apr 23, 2012 8:48:00 GMT 1
> Clarity, as I understand it through the concepts in your book, is supposed to be about doing what you want to do and trusting it will be okay, and not doing what you don't want to do.
Right.
> And yet it's kind of a Catch-22. If you answer honestly "No, I don't particularly want to let Father's love in" then are you consigning yourself to isolation and crown chakra issues?
Perhaps.
> If you say "I give up. Fine. Whatever works." then you are not doing what you really, deep down, want to do? It still feels a bit like existential blackmail, if you see what I mean.
I do.
It's not about whether you would like to let in his love - or whether you are ready to let in his love - but rather would you like to be able to comfortably let it in, if that would result in your healing?
If the tension with him has resulted in you having a symptom, you have not been hurting him by your feelings for him - but only hurting yourself.
Understanding that the tensions may still be there, would you like to be able to let in his love if you knew it was there?
Otherwise, with the tension in your consciousness, that is not what clarity is about.
If you don't do it now, of course you can always do it when you get to the other side. Just a question of timing.
> What I'd really like to do is forget he ever existed and go on and have a happy life free to pursue creative, love, beauty and free from isolation, vision, or crown chakra issues.
You can do that once you have freed yourself from the resistance in your consciousness that has closed your crown chakra. If you just get that he loved you and accept that, you may be able to let it all go and just get on with your life as you would like it to be.
An interesting question could be: If he came to you and asked you for a healing, would you like to be able to be comfortable enough to agree to do it? Seeing him through the eyes of a healer you can see him as someone just in need of something to be healed.
Also - though we always give ourselves good reasons for all the decisions we make, we have to go beyond self-justification here and just ask ourselves whether our decision have worked for us. If they have left us with tensions in our consciousness and some kind of symptoms, we can recognize that the decision is not acting in our best interests, and change our minds about something.
...and some people are easier to love at a distance.
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Post by sojourner on May 23, 2012 7:18:00 GMT 1
Martin said:
>An interesting question could be: If he came to you and asked you ?>for a healing, would you like to be able to be comfortable enough to >agree to do it? Seeing him through the eyes of a healer you can see >him as someone just in need of something to be healed.
Sure. That's not a problem.
>Also - though we always give ourselves good reasons for all the >decisions we make, we have to go beyond self-justification here and >just ask ourselves whether our decision have worked for us.
Nope, though it may have in the beginning...for a while.
>...and some people are easier to love at a distance.
That would be a long distance indeed. I have tried that a few times since this post, specifically focusing on all involved in the scenario involving the gun threat when I was 12/13 ish.
*****
So the retinal spot has resolved pretty much. I stayed away from the eclipse on Sunday just in case, and also avoid very close up computer work.
I am doing things to "unisolate" myself specifically regarding work that I haven't done in a while and it is very very uncomfortable, but I don't see another way currently.
As the retinal spot was diagnosed and resolving, I suddenly got three more symptoms on my right side in a two week span of time, which is quite unusual for me. It was almost like I was trading a serious symptom for lesser ones. A cat I know bit me on my right wrist and it became infected, ingrown toenail activated on right side by ill-fitting shoes, and right ring finger suddenly with sprained/broken symptoms that I can't completely trace to their source.
The cat bite and toenail have resolved - the cat bite with antibiotics. I was seen for ring finger and it was a barely perceptible bone chip, but the knuckle above the bone chip is what is sore. I do not know if the bone chip migrated up there and is causing issues or it was sprained and is resolving because I have no soft tissue reading.
In any case, the soreness appeared the same week as the retinal specialist appt and the cat bite. I am not even sure what caused it, only that I woke up with it. It is the only thing left and while still quite sore, is nowhere near as scary as a retinal problem.
My myopia does not seem to be improving with the steps I am taking in the job/leaving isolation area, is at least stable and might be getting worse. Sometimes under similar circumstances in the past I would have subsequent clear flashes, but not so far this time. I usually leave whatever interview with a mild headache and just want to sleep.
Today I also stopped at two eye places until one would comp me a PD measurement so I can order some new frames.
Any residual anger at my father that I can *feel* seems to be displaced onto substitutes at the moment, and I do my best to deal with those as they arise. I occasionally do a healing visualization for that real life father scene in my past as I mentioned.
All for now.
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Post by Martin Brofman on May 23, 2012 9:32:40 GMT 1
Sounds like you have been having a difficult time with the sensitive inner work. Anyway, good to know that the healing is happening and that the retinal spot has "resolved."
Cat bite on the right wrist - the right wrist is about letting yourself have what you want. The Universe is ready to deliver something you have "ordered up," and you have been having a difficult time allowing yourself to have the delivery.
Ingrown toenail (I imagine the big toe) on the right foot - about trusting what you want about root chakra issues - money, home, job.
Right ring finger represents expressing what you want in the area of relationships (heart chakra)
So - in terms of what you have written, we can see a connection between what has been happening in your consciousness and what has been happening in your body.
Also - because the myopia has not improved lately - we could ask whether you have not yet replaced the filter of fear with one of trust and confidence.
A bit more homework to do.
Anyway, sounds like you are making good progress.
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