anger/control/self-care

[awakening]

Hello, I've recently discovered that many of my health issues are related to not having proper boundaries. I tend to abandon myself and my own care to take care of others and this usually happens because I am afraid of their guilt trips, anger, etc. Now that I am aware, I have been trying to make my needs a priority but because I am still caught up in old systems, I can't seem to make the shift. When I can't my body will make it for me by making myself sick. Currently I have shingles but have also had chronic fatigue, cold sores, a ruptured appendix/sepsis. I feel like I am getting better at this when I am dealing with family and friends (though not perfect by any means yet) but where I am really struggling is with systems that are truly out of my control. Most of this has been due to being with an anti-social narcissist who used rage and gas lighting to control. I am out of it now but am caught up in the court system to protect my son. I have so much anger at still being forced to give up my own needs (and my son's) to take care of the narcissist and the courts are in control of this. I have been trying to shift my perspective to: I need to show up and get through this so we can really be done and take control of our lives again rather than I just want to run and hide and shut down. But, when my health keeps shutting me down and I still have to do all of the court things instead of take care of my own health, I just get more and more angry. I feel like I am in a cycle that is incredibly hard to get out of. Please does anyone have any perspective shifts for me?

[Philippe Hannetelle]

Shingles: associated with anger that creates a sense of separation from someone, and the part of the body affected and the chakra associated with that part of the body will reflect further details.

Cold sores: points to unexpressed anger, creating a symptom designed to hold others at a distance.

Sepsis: reflecting tensions in the heart chakra (tensions and anger with someone close to your heart heart, perceptions of love) and root chakra (tensions at home)

Fatigue: Also root chakra tensions, home, money, job or trust, survival.

And you need to own your power/freedom again, because helping others is nice, but you forget yourself and it´s self sacrifice. Maybe a good idea to read the article "Owning your power" brofman-foundation.org/en/etre-maitre-de-son-pouvoir/
You should pay attention to the words you use, each you say "I can´t" you give your freedom/power away. Find another way to express yourself, for ex, you can say "Until now I have not yet succeeded, but from now on I take my power/freedom again to decide for myself". The same with "I have been trying", if you try, you don´t do.

If you want a different scenario, let the past in the past, first with your words. "I feel like I am in a cycle that is incredibly hard to get out of." Say instead: "Until now, I felt like....that was incredibly hard..."
Decide that you don´t want your actions be motivated by guilt or fear. Decide what you want as motivation force behind your actions. Understand that you don´t make the others happy or unhappy, they decide what to think and what to feel.

[awakening]

Than you so much for responding. I feel like I have been going back and forth between my old way of giving up my power and trying to incorporate everything you are describing about how to own my power. What a long journey this has been. I feel like a part of me gets it but I still get confused about how to actually live it. Many of my frustrations come from wanting to be in control of my own life but then having to do what the courts, etc. say I have to do even though I know whole heartedly that they are wrong. I seem to vacillate between acceptance of what is and anger about it not being the way I want it. I think my body keeps giving out as a way of me saying, "Nope. Not going to do what you want and if you won't listen to me, my body will shut down so I am not physically able to do it." The anger I felt before the shingles, cold sores and sepsis was all about feeling forced to do what others wanted with no regard for my needs.

My shingles thankfully ended up being a mild case so perhaps I am moving in the right direction. This time it felt like my body became ill so that I would focus on my own needs but I didn't shut everything down. I continued to go to work and decided I did not want to try and postpone the court stuff because I want it over with. I do not want to keep dragging it out. I also do not want to continue being sick. I feel like I am so close to being free and living my life again and I do not want to be sick or afraid anymore.

I am curious about where the shingles appeared. The first appearance of the rash was on the left side of my chest almost directly over my heart. The rest of the rash and pain is up and down my left arm. Is this all about the heart chakra? For the first time in more than a decade, I have been finally feeling like I might be ready to be in another relationship. Until now I have been terrified of ending up with someone like my ex again.

[Philippe Hannetelle]

If you are right handed, your left side is your emotional, female side. So with the rash on your left arm, it is associated with not expressing what you feel and if the skin is affected on one side of the body at the level of the heart chakra, we can see how that reflects the specific tension in the consciousness in the area of relationships, emotional reaction, anger with a person close to your heart.

If the shingles is less than before, it means you already did a good work on yourself, so it shows you the direction you should go for you to release totally the symptom. Considering what's happening for you in relation with the court, until now you have seen their decision through a perceptual emotional filter of anger, and you took decisions based on that. If you remove the filter of anger, how does it look like? Do you still feel the same about the situation or is it different? And anger is a pushing energy and what you send outside comes back multiplied and so you felt more anger. So, when you decide to move to acceptance, you are looking at the situation with new eyes, accepting what is for now and from there, you can see how the movie can change, waiting for a decision that can fullfil your needs. Acceptance and compassion are related to the heart chakra, you feel more and compassion for you and the other, also your ex, and you accept emotionally what you have created, you accept more and more yourself as you are and the others as they are.

[awakening]

Thank you. I healed the shingles and then my son was court ordered to meet with his father which was an extremely distressing situation for my son. I felt very angry that he was made to do this and that the woman running the session was insensitive and clueless that she was letting the emotional abuse happen. I soon started developing itching all over my body which worsened as we had to evacuate from fires. I know the itching is related to my fear, anger and feelings of powerlessness. While I have been trying to focus on feelings of gratitude that we had somewhere to go during the fires and soon my son will not have to see his father anymore, etc etc. I can't seem to switch my consciousness out of the anger and powerlessness. I can get to some acceptance and compassion but I soon realize there are numerous things in my life that I don't feel I have the power to change and then I get angry again. And because I'm not "allowed" to express this anger (to the court, etc) I get even more angry. I will keep working on finding acceptance and compassion instead of resorting to anger.