Distant Vision, Mom

[Michael]

"...and play the star in your movie, rather than the character in the movie of those around you."

Wow, I never thought of it like that. I see now how I've been the character in other people's movie for a long time.

I remember talking to my brother about this a few months ago, actually. Though at the time I didn't know it was as deep an issue. We both agreed on how we have a way to make certain friends laugh. I know what makes certain friends laugh, and so I kind of fall into character whenever I'm around each one. It really gets hard when I'm around a bunch of them at the same time, though. It's like I sum up all their different senses of humor, combine them and become this character that they all know me to be, and say and do things that make them all laugh.

It's hard because I'm a little different around each of my friends and family members. I clearly need to just be the star, as you say. People used to tell me sometimes to just be myself, but I don't know what "myself" is. I didn't know then in highschool, and I still don't know right now.

How do I change from being all the different characters to being the star?

[Martin Brofman]

Remind yourself that it is you who defines your movie, and when/if you find yourself doing otherwise, just come back to who you know yourself to really be in that situation.

You know who you are.

[Michael]

Hey Martin,

I understand what you're saying, but it's going to take a little getting used to. A lot getting used to actually.

It's just hard for me to know who I really am, because I've been "playing the characters of others' movies" for so long. Now that I look back I realize that I was being myself when I was younger, for the most part anyways. I was happier then too, and I also had more friends it seems.

I don't like the idea of getting swept away in my emotions, and I guess somewhere along the line I learned how to suppress them. Now I have to learn how to let them flow.

I'm tired of holding my tongue around certain people. I just don't like causing any drama, or confrontations. Sometimes I would just like to say "Screw it" and just say what I wanna say and see what happens.

Being the observer is getting old. The longer I just stand by and observe, the more my life is being wasted. I feel like beating the crap out of all the people that judge and criticize me, and see what their stupid little opinion about that is. I've already totally stopped talking to one of my "friends" that judged me the most. My self-confidence just kept going down when I was around him.

I guess you can tell that I'm not happy about my situation. My reality.

I know how to change this crappy reality of mine. It's just doing it that's hard. I dread even planning to sit down and meditate. I feel like my thoughts are just uncontrollable. So it's really hard for me to direct my imagination, especially once I get relaxed enough. It usually ends up with me just falling asleep. Am I just a lost cause? I know that I'm not, but I'm just really frustrated right now. I just need some advice.

[Martin Brofman]

Welcome to the human race.

Getting back to yourself is simple, though not always easy. Since you know what to do, it's just about getting to it, and developing new habits of thinking and being.

As with any habit, it begins with conscious application at first, until it becomes second nature. It doesn't take that long.

As they say at Nike, "Just do it."

[Michael]

You're right.

I need to just do it or shut up about it.

Thanks.