Intensive month ahead!

[queen8]

I picked up my new glasses yesterday. I don't feel comfortable with them. The optician has a one month "happy with your glasses"-guarantee. I want to take advantage of that and intensify my efforts the coming weeks. I start a note book today to tick off when I've done the decided exercises. This has to do with other things than my glasses, too, but I use them as an outwardly visible sign. I'll use a fitness program as part of my exercises, too, because this is about getting fit for life in many ways...

I still find it hard to see the end result, but I have this dream about throwing my old glasses out from a bridge nearby and being able to follow them with my eyes all the way down to the sea. That will be fun!!!

[Maria]

I like that dream Queen One of mine is to be able to read the highway signs before my daughter can.

Anyone else want to share their perfect vision dreams?

Peace,

Maria

[suzanne]

Mine is simply to be able to look up at the night sky and see all the stars looking down on me, to be able to drink their delicacy and at last savour the nourishment of the universe in all its completeness, its complexity and at the same time its simplicity.

"Jars of springwater are not enough any more..."

When I look up at the night sky now, it's either through glass or through the blur of my short-sight. Either way there's a feeling of entrapment, imprisonment - bondage to the earth, born of an old, redundant fear of being sucked up into the void and losing grip of my earthly connections. The fear is gone but the bondage still remains.

When I was a little girl, I used to lie on the grass and look up into the blue sky, longing to dance and leap in the space that has no beginning and no end... but I couldn't. There was always this underlying fear that if I dared to let go of that last, tiny piece of the earth (or something on it) from my peripheral vision, I would become part of the sky or the universe and be lost forever. (I wrote in another thread that I've never felt truly connected to the earth, hence my tight grip on it.) Then, at around 12 (the time I became short-sighted, I've only just realised!) I used to wake in the night and find myself astrally projecting - floating away from my body. Instead of enjoying the space and the freedom, that fear would grip me again and it would take every ounce of will and focus to get back into the safety of my body.

Funny how these posts make us come to realise things about ourselves... If I hadn't started replying to this thread, I would never have made the connection between these experiences and myopia - I had always thought the poor sight was another barrier to life's enjoyment, to sharing, another sign of not really belonging, or a blocking out of earthly pain and troubles. I have never quite thought of it before as a retreat to 'safety', self-inflicted bondage to keep me from being truly whole and free, a bondage I once wanted but now I don't.

"Stars burn clear all night till dawn. Do that yourself and a spring will rise with water your deepest thirst is for. " - Rumi

I have decided that I will join with Queen, Maria and others, and dedicate time each day to the healing programme, release the bondage chains and reach for those stars!!!!!

Love, laughter and above all freedom,
your travelling companion

Suzanne XXX

[queen8]

Suzanne, I want to comment on some of what you write. "I used to wake in the night and find myself astrally projecting - floating away from my body." My story may be totally different, but your story reminds me of my experiences, so I'll try to write about it and see how things evolve.

When I was 10-12 years old, I experienced what I felt were some strange or special things. One was that I one night became sure that now was my time to die, and I prepared for dying, I was scared and lots of negative things, and finally I let go and went to sleep peacefully, waking up as if nothing had happened the next day. Second, I cried night after night because I went through the same scenery in my thoughts over and over again: my parents dying and what would happen to me afterwards. Thirdly, night after night I got the feeling that something was going on around me when I was lying in my bed. I thought there were "spirits", a lot of "buzzing" above me and I had to be really alert, like something was going on at a different wave length that our regular one.

After I started my digging deep down within, I've solved most of these cases. Now I know that the "now I'm dying" experience, was reliving what happened the first time my grandfather abused me (I was 4). And I know that seeing my parents die, was the only way I could think of getting the comfort I so desperately longed for (then there would be a reason for people to feel sorry for me, when noone knew what my grandfather had done, I didn't get the comfort). But "the spirits", what are they? My psychiatrist (I went to one some years ago, until I found out what had happened and therefore why I was ill) meant the different wavelengths-feeling could be a normal thing for the brain at that age. I believe there's a reason, an experience it relates to. MAybe the feeling of being "spaced out", being split in two, being torn away from myself???

Suzanne, maybe you couldn't enjoy dancing in space, before you KNEW that your body was a safe place to return to???

I think I know now, that the "voices, spirits" above me, were a reliving of my grandparents discussing "over my head" what he had done to me. And I found the situation so unpleasant that I withdrew from myself. I pulled away from reality. Okay, that's it. How do I undo my withdrawal at that time?

Thank you for listening! and thank you for your company!

[Maria]

Hey Queen,

I wonder if the spirits could have been your guides and angels trying to lend you comfort and support. And you experienced it as buzzing because you weren't quite open to it. Just a thought...

Peace,

Maria

[queen8]

I don't think so. When I experienced it 11 years old, I interpreted it as spirits. I think my interpretation now is more correct for me, as it fits with everything I now know and that was "buried" at that time. Besides, the buzzing was uncomfortable, I felt it as "evil". I do believe, though, that I have helpers/angels and I want to be receptive to their help!

[suzanne]

Queen, I feel compelled to write this because we seem have so many experiences in common, so I am now going to share things I probably wouldn't have written about on this message board (not because I have difficulties accepting or expressing them).

A lot of my life, particularly childhood, was overshadowed by a large fear of death. This may have stemmed in part from my mother's attitude towards the pregnancy - I've always known she didn't want a third child, particularly a girl, and not only did she resent me for being there, I also suspect she may have been hoping to miscarry. But I won that battle!

As for sexual abuse, I didn't suffer what you did (it's hard to even imagine the sheer horror of that, Queen) but I did endure sexual repression, in that my parents could not cope with their own or MY sexuality. My mother took this to extremes, bringing me up to feel prudish and ashamed of my body, quashing any sign of vanity and denying me access to information and basic knowledge of biology... I could go on. I grew up believing I was a freak! (It's strange, but although I can laugh about all this now, and despite all I've done in my life, in writing this I can still feel hints of the pain and the isolation.)

At the age of 4, I was sent to a horrible, girls-only convent school (I know they are not all horrible). I mentioned the bronchitis connection in 'Falling Apart at the Seams'. We were not catholics, or even church-goers, so I found the whole experience frightening and culturally confusing, but to my parents, as long as I was away from boys it was OK, because if I didn't know about sex I wouldn't be curious - LOL!!!

However, despite this repressed upbringing, I found my own access to knowledge and grew up to be (reasonably) normal! My brothers had worse trouble. The good thing is I've brought up my own two children (a girl and a boy) to accept and honour their bodies and happily they both seem well adjusted in that department.

Moving on, I want to relate to you what happened after the astral projection episodes ceased, from the age of about 15. I used to wake up very suddenly in the night, feeling fully awake, and become aware of a dark presence in the room. This 'beast', which I always believed was sort of human, would then engulf me, pressing its full weight on top of me, making me feel crushed and unable to move. I couldn't even cry out or speak, I don't know why, but all I knew was that I had to use my mind to save myself. It was as though I was fighting a mental battle of wills with this 'demon' in order to overpower it. And then it would vanish! This happened regularly until I was in my mid twenties, almost every night during my teens, and about once a month after that, and then only in isolated episodes. It has even happened with my husband sleeping next to me, although he was never able to recall any disturbance and I was never able to summon his help. It rarely happens now, although I did experience it once last year when I was particularly stressed. I don't go to bed fearing it, although I used to.

I feel I have largely dealt with the past, not completely, but I now have physical problems which I can't ignore anymore or hope they will just go away. Since writing on here, yesterday, I have been feeling very positive and more energetic and energised. Just having been inspired to share my vision dream has helped me to know where I am aiming and start to create a path, one step at a time. I now have a flexible of plan for my daily healing work, a log book in which to record what I've done and my observations / progress, this message board on which to write about stumbling blocks and achievements, and of course the support of people like you who take the time to read my (long, I know!) posts!

I am so glad to be journeying with you,
Much love,
Suzanne

[queen8]

Dear Suzanne! I see the similarities, and I wish I had the greatest of wisdom and could be really near to you as I try to write back to you.

It's amazing how you've been able to create a better childhood for your children than you had yourself. When you're still suffering, maybe it means there are things you have to resolve for YOURSELF, something about giving yourself the freedom and love that you have given your children, and that you didn't experience as a child.

My daughter is doing her homework, and I was reading this. Why are you crying, she asked. The nightmares you have had lots of, are just HORRIBLE!

The best I thing I can say, because I think you have everything you need to know inside (and you have support here, and also other places, I hope, when you need it), is
1. Keep your feet on the ground (literally, too)
2. Imagine your daughter coming to you, telling you that she is suffering from these terrible nightmares, and then she's telling you what you just told me/us. Or use the "you know" meditation from one of Martin's CDs, to both tell your story and feel what response that creates in you. Do you then, as a mother, see what she is talking about?

I'll try to be in this with you as much as possible. I know you're strong enough to handle this, that's why it's coming up!!

Wishing you love and light on your journey!!

[Giovanni]

Hi Susy

I would suggest that you don't use expressions such as "intensify my efforts" or "working hard", because these are precisely the causes of imperfect vision.
In his wonderful book William Horatio Bates wrote: "Perfect sight can be obtained only by relaxation, nothing else matters".
I think this could be translated into "don't work to introduce new efforts, work instead to eliminate and release old efforts and tensions"

good luck
Giovanni

[Giovanni]

Sorry, the suggestion was referred to the first message written by Queen

[Martin Brofman]

Intensity doesn't have to mean work.

Orgasms are intense.

[queen8]

WOW, a whole month of orgasms!!!

In fact, Giovanni, I was thinking about what words I could use, when I wrote that first message. I have to put some work and effort into giving myself time and space and relief to relax. I'm focused on releasing tensions and relaxing and enjoying life, instead of being carried away by everyday duties all the time.

I'll focus on intensifying my relaxation, to experience the orgasms...

[suzanne]

I'm gobsmacked!...lost for words...

What more can I say - apart from: I'm coming, too..!!!!!!!!!!!

Love and giggles, Suzanne

[Giovanni]

My friends
Actually I like the words "intensify" and "work".
The words I don't like are "efforts" and "hard"
Giovanni

[queen8]

There are things happening every day now, and that's good! This morning I woke up feeling frustrated. I had dreamt that I was eating dinner with my family in law, and they didn't see me. They all had food, I didn't. I tried to take some butter, and someone else moved it away from me before I was able to finish. I got angry, but how could I express myself without blaming them? It's not their fault that I'm invisible! I felt caught in the middle, trapped, no possibility of escape, as I need to be included in the family, but it won't help if I yell at them and my feelings are so strong, I don't know if I'm able to control myself....

So far the dream, but even if it's "just" a dream, I sit here with exactly the same fellings. How do I make myself visible without offending someone???

I try to relax and look at it from an "adult perspective"... If they want to be offended, that's their choice..., but it will have consequences for me. MAybe I could just enter the situation again and express what and how I feel and ask them how they look at it. I'll try to visualize that!