gilly
Junior Member
Posts: 31
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Post by gilly on Feb 9, 2006 11:17:03 GMT 1
Hey Queenie, stop thinking you might offend someone by being visible 1) If they want to be offended, they will be, whether you're visible or not, so just leave them to it 2) You'd be surprised at how little attention people pay to others: if you say "Hey, I'm here!!" they're more likely to say "Oh excuse me, I'm so sorry..." than treat you like a three-year-old who's throwing a tantrum (I presume by being "visible" you aren't actually jumping up and down, stamping your feet, banging your fists and screaming I WANT I WANT I WANT...) Just a nosey question (ignore it if you like - I won't be offended: I tell peole they can ask any question they like, but I have the right not to answer...): Your nickname, as Giovanni said, is very nice; but is it the real you (as you were, are, and/or would like to be) or are you hiding behind it? By way of explanation, my name (as you know it) is what my family have called me since I was a very little girl, but I don't allow strangers or colleagues that intimacy. I chose gilly for this forum because I didn't want to hide myself from the others speaking here, and I assumed (correctly) they'd be friendly and open. And each time I look in the mirror now I see wee gilly coming back, so I'm becoming more myself, and that makes me very happy. Or do we just have to find you a Prince Charming ;D love gilly
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Post by queen8 on Feb 9, 2006 22:15:28 GMT 1
I want to answer your question. I'll try to explain to you and to myself by writing about what happened today at my class (I attend a course for people who have been ill and want to go back to work, so it's a "get fit for life"-course). We were talking about polarities and were to think of a "weak" side of ourselves. Because of my dream that had mad me a bit upset and made me think of occasions when I'd been invisible, I chose "invisible". Then we were told to give it a name. If I give it a name, it's visible, how can I? But the name was clear, it was Queen! Then we were to think of the opposite side, okay, that's the visible part, speaking up for myself, expressing myself. A name for that..., what was there, was something like "suppressing others". I don't want to suppress others. When we talked about it, it was clear to me, that I fear expressing myself because I fear I'll go to the extreme, as did my grandfather, and put others down or even abuse them, as he did to me. Our guide through this wa of this opinion: if we manage to accept both polarities, we son't have to go to extremes. I also see that if I accept that I have a "strong" part of me that is able to speak out for myself and for others and a "weak" part (we were to find positive things to say about that part, too, which was quite easy. My invisible part is very observant and quite wise, she doesn't speak without a good cause, so what she says is really worth listening to!) that is able to analyze and understand what is happening, I'll be able to accept what my grandfather did. By accepting (I've found a better word in my own language) I don't mean saying it was okay what he did, just that I realize that he really did it, as wrong as it may have been. A lot of times when I've written messages, I've had the impulse to write "love," and my real name. I've told others about this page, and I don't want to think of people around me here reading what I've written, I've felt more free to be open by using another name (also because I already had established a mailaccount with the queen-name!).I think I'll continue to use Queen, as it reminds me of who I am to be, not the sleeping beauty, the immature princess looking for prince charming, but an adult wise mature QUEEN in harmony to reign her kingdom with justice. For this time, though, because I don't want to hide, and I want to show you that I'm also myself: Thank you for asking! Love from Cecilie P.S. Now I know: queen is my title, Cecilie is my name. To my family and close friends I'm Cecilie (like you are Gilly to those who are closest to you), but for the rest I'm the Queen! There is also the 8 after, 8 is for me a new beginning, and the number also shows that I don't think I'm the only queen in the world!! But I'm to be in control in my own kingdom (queendom?? )
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Post by suzanne on Feb 10, 2006 1:57:07 GMT 1
Dear Queen,
I just had to send you this message today, to tell you that you are sounding so strong - with a strength worthy of a queen actually! I am very impressed.
I will try to keep this message short, but I wanted to share that I know what it's like to be invisible, too. I don't think it has ever happened in a dream - frustration happens a lot in my dreams, but not from invisibility. So very often I find myself standing in a queue (we British are famous for our polite queuing) and just when my turn comes to be served, the person serving turns to or looks at the person after me and says, "Can I help you?"...! Worse still, more often than not, the person next to me responds by asking for what they want...!
Now, I am taller than the average woman, have long dark hair with glinting red henna tones and I wear quite colourful clothes in a casual, co-ordinated, elegant style (or so I like to think!). I just don't understand why I get overlooked so much...unless I'm invisible!
My reaction: to assert myself of course - I never let anyone get away with it. I usually blurt out, "Excuse me but I am next..!" I then get served, but rarely do I receive an apology. What normally happens is that everyone looks at each other as if to say, "What's her problem?" And then I feel even more isolated and embarrassed that I've made a fuss, but the emotion which causes me to react is anger.
I have a photograph, one of those whole-school ones taken at that dreadful convent school when I was 7. It upsets me to look at it because a sadder, more unhappy little face I have never seen on a seven-year old. In fact the face is so fuzzy, it's as though I was only half there!
I've never been able to explain this, other than perhaps my aura is weak or pale or something, due to lack of being grounded. I don't know, but some people simply have more 'presence' than others, don't you think?
The other point I wanted to make is that I understand and respect your use of a pseudonym. You must feel that you can write freely and honestly on this message board, and we expect nothing less than than the truth, otherwise there would be no point in doing it, would there? I don't feel that you are hiding.
When I first started writing I was surprised that so many people concealed personal details, whereas I had my home town, e-mail address etc. on show. I soon came to realise why people are more discreet. One of my problems is that I am too free and honest with information about myself, and leave myself open to being judged (by those who have no right to judge) and to people who take advantage of my honesty. Then I feel vulnerable.
I said this message would be short but it isn't, and I've gone all serious again, so...
Love, progress, good visibility and, of course, fun! Suzanne
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Post by Maria on Feb 10, 2006 16:01:57 GMT 1
Hi Queen and Suzanne! You are two wonderful and powerful women! I am honored to have met you both. I've been reading these posts with a lot of interest, because I too had similar experiences in my childhood. No sexual abuse that I'm aware of but definitely sexual repression, catholic school upbringing (11 years for me), and that horrible dark thing enveloping me at night. Suzanne, your description of that brought back vivid memories. I remember lying in bed with my eyes wide open, not being able to see one glimmer of light. And that horrible suffocating, being frozen feeling....even now it makes my chest hurt to remember. I called it the "black thing" and only a lot of fast mind talking and praying finally made it dissapate. The discussion of invisible is also very interesting because I often felt that way myself (and sometimes wanted to be that way), and now I hear my daughter saying the same thing. She thinks its funny though, and says "you learn a lot when no one realizes you're there." Another thing I noticed about being invisible, is that I didn't honor my personal space. I let people get in my space, sometimes crowding me out or pushing me aside. It was like I didn't feel like I deserved my own space in the world or something. Now, I try to make a point to stand a little taller and project a personal bubble around me representing my personal space. And Queen - I love both your names Queen is so regal and Cecilie is such a pretty name, very fitting for a queen *curtsies.* Maria, Sitting proudly on my throne....smiling on my little queendom
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Post by queen8 on Feb 15, 2006 10:56:47 GMT 1
Suzanne wrote "This 'beast', which I always believed was sort of human, would then engulf me, pressing its full weight on top of me, making me feel crushed and unable to move. I couldn't even cry out or speak, I don't know why, but all I knew was that I had to use my mind to save myself." MAria wrote "Suzanne, your description of that brought back vivid memories. I remember lying in bed with my eyes wide open, not being able to see one glimmer of light. And that horrible suffocating, being frozen feeling....even now it makes my chest hurt to remember. I called it the "black thing" and only a lot of fast mind talking and praying finally made it dissapate."
Dear Suzanne and Maria, I don't want to impose my view on you, but I can't see how you could experience these things if they were not based on something. I believe they are a mirror of something that had happened in your consciousness (probably as the reaction to something that actually happened to you). I'm not saying that we have the same experiences, but I recognize so much of this from my own life, and I'd like for you to see what made you create these "dreams" or "vivid imaginations".
I think you wrote something in another post, Maria, about facing and talking to the snake in a dream. Is it possible for you to recall "the black thing" and talk to it, maybe asking it what it represents?
I think you are both beautiful women and I wish you freedom from haunting experiences!
Love and hello to everyone from queen
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Post by queen8 on Feb 15, 2006 11:12:50 GMT 1
Hi Martin and everybody. LAtely there's this difference between my sight at close range and my sight at long range. With my glasses on, I now find they're too strong viewing things that are near to me, but not strong enough viewing things far away. The optician suggested progressive glasses, but I said no. I want to interpret everything as progress, but I don't see why this is happening. Do you have a nice interpretation or is it a sign of something? More things are happening when I do the eye exercises now. The other day I had to remove a huge (more than five meters, but folded up) measurement stick (whatever they're called in English, like carpenters use) from my left eye. A reminder about not measuring others and myself to certain preset standards, I think!
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Post by Martin Brofman on Feb 15, 2006 12:58:22 GMT 1
If you have been nearsighted and now the glasses are too strong for near vision, it sounds like there has been improvement and it would be interesting to get your eyes examined to see how much improvement there has been so far.
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Post by Maria on Feb 15, 2006 14:36:07 GMT 1
Hi Queen!
Congratz on your weakening glasses! My glasses are the same way now and I need to make a point to go get my eyes checked (as soon as I pay for the doctor visit last week).
The "black thing" has been gone for many years now. I think that as a child I had severe anxiety and panic attacks, which were untreated. I regularly got sick at school and was afraid of new situations, sometimes to the point of missing out on things. In addition to the dreams, I also used to lay in bed at night with my chest hurting so bad I was convinced I was having a heart attack. And that was at 13! Looking back I don't think it was any one incident (or even series of incidents) but really my entire perspective on life.
Peace,
Maria
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Post by queen8 on Feb 15, 2006 22:20:10 GMT 1
Well, I had my vision checked less than a month ago, and I've had these new glasses for about two weeks (the date I started this thread). I feel a bit discouraged because I don't see clearly with them at a long distance, and when things are close, I'd rather manage without them. I haven't been able to pinpoint exactly what feels wrong with my glasses, except the fact that they're there...
I'll give it some more weeks... Muscles have let go in my hips and stomach, and now I feel there's more focus on the solar plexus area. I think that means that I'm preparing to let my eyes let go of tensions, too, very soon.
Another thing I don't understand: I feel I live more and more relaxed thinking "things will come to me". To me that also gives me the association of a higher intelligence giving me nice things along the road, providing everything I need. Then there's the talking about creating our own lives, and I don't know. In a way I feel like I'm on the ground just picking the fruits (from a tree) that someone else has prepared for me. I'm allowed to pick whatever I want, but I can't see that I'm the creator. Do you see what I mean? I can change my way of looking at life and thereby create a new life, which then will be mirrored on my surroundings, too, but can I decide to create something that is not already there in the "higher intelligence"?
More specifically I remember once that I tried to visualize a positive answer to something, and I couldn't get the picture, I didn't manage to "see" the nice things I wanted to happen. The negative answer came, and a couple of months later I realized that it was the best thing that could have happened to me, I just didn't know it at the time when it happened. Right now I'm working on what to visualize when it comes to creating a living for myself, and since I don't know exactly what I want to work with or what is "meant" for me (that's how I feel it, that there is something waiting for me, I just haven't discovered it yet), I feel insecure and am afraid to visualize or focus too much in a "wrong" direction. Maybe I won't know it's wrong till I've tried it?! I hate the "try and fail" philosophy, I think I'd rather walk small steps to make it easier to step back if it's not "right" for me. Lots of words..., it's weird to think that the answer is here already in me, I just haven't realized it yet...
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gilly
Junior Member
Posts: 31
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Post by gilly on Feb 16, 2006 11:01:30 GMT 1
Hi Queen C thank you for answering my question before. I did worry afterwards that it was wrong to ask, but I'm trying to let my instinct get the better of me. But you've helped me realise that my public persona is a tough shell - too tough, perhaps - that I've used for far too long to protect my sensitive insides. I was too scared of letting other people get inside and hurt me, and it's sad to think how much I must have lost because of that. So gilly's getting stronger and people seem to be opening up to her, and you've helped me in that. As for your glasses - it might be that you've just resolved not to need them, so your eyes refuse to behave themselves with them on. Your experience is a mirror image of mine - I now can't wear glasses, even though I'm minus 2-point something (I promise to get my eyes tested at the end of the month, when I celebrate my first anniversary). My far distance vision is not perfect with glasses, but I can't read or use the computer with them on becasue everything seems magnified 10 times and it's like being on e different kind of trip from the one we trust. I sometimes wear -1 lenses, when I need the extra distance vision, but they now won't stay in my eyes either. I found this out yesterday. I had to go by bike after dark, so wasn't going to risk bare eyes as I do in the daytime, because the traffic here is really quite scary. L lens went in fine, but I dropped and lost R as soon as I opened the packet, then new one wouldn't go in (a sign?), and once it was in I started getting the most excruciating headaches. I could feel the muscles contracting round the top of my eye and eyebrow. And while this happened on the bike, where I now make a real effort to look well into the distance, it didn't happen when I was looking at middle-distance. So I can cope with half-strength lenses for middle distance, but nothing for near (I canh see ok), and nothing for far (can't see but it'll come eventually). I wonder if it's because it's nearly time never to need them again. What do you think? love to all your humble servant gilly BTW - take them off for near stuff - you obviously don't need them
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Post by Martin Brofman on Feb 16, 2006 15:26:20 GMT 1
I'm looking forward to hearing about the results of your new examination, Gilly.
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Post by queen8 on Feb 17, 2006 10:23:07 GMT 1
Please, Martin, do you have a response to my question in the post before Gilly's: "I can change my way of looking at life and thereby create a new life, which then will be mirrored on my surroundings, too, but can I decide to create something that is not already there in the "higher intelligence"?"
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Post by Martin Brofman on Feb 17, 2006 14:07:20 GMT 1
As far as I am concerned, you can create anything. What do you have in mind?
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Post by queen8 on Feb 17, 2006 22:06:35 GMT 1
First: I wonder why it has suddenly happened twice that I write a message and it doesn't get registered. This time I'll copy what I write, so that I won't have to reconstruct it again!
Trying to explain my question, I guess I'm afraid I'll create something that I afterwards find isn't so good. Maybe it boils down to this: can I have a guarantee that I won't suffer in the future and can I have a guarantee that I don't make others suffer in the future?? (NO, there are no guarantees, and how can I then trust life?)
Then a more specific question: how do you interpret migraine headaches with "auras" before the attack? I don't have them now, but I get the same feelings sometimes, and I think there is something I have to resolve related to these attacks. I used to get them from I was around ten, around the same time as I developed nearsightedness. First there was just a small spot in all different colors in front of everything I looked at. The spot grew and after a while it was like a rainbow zigzagging across my field of vision. After half an hour the vision cleared and the headache started, and there was no choice but to sleep in a dark quiet room.
I'm thankful for the time you give to us here at the message board, Martin! It gives me a different experience than my old one that says "there is noone that knows more than me who wants to help me". New experiences help in changing my view of life! THANK YOU! You make a change!
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Post by Martin Brofman on Feb 18, 2006 8:59:01 GMT 1
You are correct when you say there are no guarantees. It's a make-it-up-as-you-go-along reality, and you just have to trust your trip.
The headaches sound like stuff with father / authority.
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