Post by andrew on Jul 20, 2006 0:42:38 GMT 1
Hi Spirit Girl
That was quick! I was modifying my post already before i noticed your reply :-)
>>I would not want somebody else to do that for me if it makes them unhappy! Because I know how it feels
There is another aspect to this though. I have an excellent book called "the couples journey - intimacy as a path to wholeness" which makes a great deal of sense to me.
partnering.inet.net.nz/a/couples.htm
Any relationship tends to cycle thru the following:
---------------
1. Romance: Idealisation, pleasing each other, only presenting the preferred sides of ourselves to the other person.....etc
2. Power struggle: Need to be seen as being real rather than what we have previously projected or they expect of us.
3. Stability: Resignation. Acceptance this person is not going to be different. Living with what is rather than what should be.
4. Committment: For richer or poorer a desire to believe this is who we are going to be with
5. Cocreation. The time when we want to share what we have learned with the wider world.
-------------------
And remember we keep cycling thru 1 to 5 *or* we can get stuck in any one of the stages and find the relationship is less than fullfilling. Change and growth is a part of life. Nobody remains the same and therefore we need some way of interacting together and keeping on a joint path rather than only one persons path.
Now at this point in our interaction we might still be in the "romance" stage? :-) Where each of is a bit reluctant to say anything that might create the wrong impression and so forth. This is just normal i think when we dont know each other well.
So coming back towards what you said, I think what you said might represent a romantic view of life. After all if you want to assert your right to be real then almost certainly it will affect your loved one in some manner that they dont entirely like. It simply is not possible to live your life not offending or annoying or upsetting others to at least some small degree. It then becomes a matter of perception as to just how small that small degree is :-) In a joyous relationship should you not be able to be wildy angry without feeling judged or that you are about to be arrested? Naturally time and skill is required for such expression if you are not to intimidate or get arrested!
So.....there are certain facts of life. And i think the couples journey helps us see them.
So maybe i have annoyed you a bit? And maybe we have now moved from stage 1 to stage 2? :-)
But the romantic idea expressed as "we will never upset each other " has its opposite simultaneously expressed component of "no person can ever upset me and be allowed to keep my love"
Food for thought?
Andrew
That was quick! I was modifying my post already before i noticed your reply :-)
>>I would not want somebody else to do that for me if it makes them unhappy! Because I know how it feels
There is another aspect to this though. I have an excellent book called "the couples journey - intimacy as a path to wholeness" which makes a great deal of sense to me.
partnering.inet.net.nz/a/couples.htm
Any relationship tends to cycle thru the following:
---------------
1. Romance: Idealisation, pleasing each other, only presenting the preferred sides of ourselves to the other person.....etc
2. Power struggle: Need to be seen as being real rather than what we have previously projected or they expect of us.
3. Stability: Resignation. Acceptance this person is not going to be different. Living with what is rather than what should be.
4. Committment: For richer or poorer a desire to believe this is who we are going to be with
5. Cocreation. The time when we want to share what we have learned with the wider world.
-------------------
And remember we keep cycling thru 1 to 5 *or* we can get stuck in any one of the stages and find the relationship is less than fullfilling. Change and growth is a part of life. Nobody remains the same and therefore we need some way of interacting together and keeping on a joint path rather than only one persons path.
Now at this point in our interaction we might still be in the "romance" stage? :-) Where each of is a bit reluctant to say anything that might create the wrong impression and so forth. This is just normal i think when we dont know each other well.
So coming back towards what you said, I think what you said might represent a romantic view of life. After all if you want to assert your right to be real then almost certainly it will affect your loved one in some manner that they dont entirely like. It simply is not possible to live your life not offending or annoying or upsetting others to at least some small degree. It then becomes a matter of perception as to just how small that small degree is :-) In a joyous relationship should you not be able to be wildy angry without feeling judged or that you are about to be arrested? Naturally time and skill is required for such expression if you are not to intimidate or get arrested!
So.....there are certain facts of life. And i think the couples journey helps us see them.
So maybe i have annoyed you a bit? And maybe we have now moved from stage 1 to stage 2? :-)
But the romantic idea expressed as "we will never upset each other " has its opposite simultaneously expressed component of "no person can ever upset me and be allowed to keep my love"
Food for thought?
Andrew